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The Hidden Belief

One of the biggest sources of frustration I see in men comes from an unconscious belief that a good life is problem free.

At first glance, that sounds ridiculous. Of course life has problems. Everyone knows that.

But as I continue to talk with guys and pay attention to my own internal dialogue, I’m surprised by how often this belief shows up.

“I hurt my back in the gym. Now I’m totally screwed.”

“I got in a fight with my girlfriend. I’m not sure she’s the one.”

“My boss keeps putting things on my calendar. Time blocking doesn’t work for me.”

The issue isn’t the injury, the fight, or the schedule.

The issue is the underlying expectation that it shouldn’t have happened.

That nothing will ever interrupt your beautifully blocked-off time.

That you shouldn’t get hurt, even though you’re pushing to failure week after week.

That you will never have an argument with your partner.

Life doesn’t work this way. And if we think this way, we’re in denial.

While the examples above are bigger moments, this belief also shows up in micro moments. Someone cuts you off in traffic and suddenly your entire mood is shot. As if the expectation was that you’d go through life without anyone ever inconveniencing you.

That expectation is absurd. And it’s quietly making people miserable.

I’ll Be Happy When…

The second place this belief shows up is the “I’ll be happy when” trap.

I’ll be happy when I have a certain amount of money in the bank.

I’ll be happy when I find the right relationship.

I’ll be happy when I’m confident.

I’ll be happy when I’m disciplined.

There’s an unspoken assumption underneath all of this.

That once you solve this one problem, there won’t be any others.

You’ll finally relax.

Life will finally feel easy.

You’ll finally be good.

That has never been true for a single human being.

And before you say, “Yeah, I know this trap. I see people fall into it all the time,” you fall into it too.

The number of times I see people nod along to this idea and then, minutes later, make the same claim in a slightly different form is absurd. As if we’re the exception.

Seriously, Tanner, this is a one-time milestone. Once it’s complete, life will get easier.

My wedding is coming up. It’s stressful, but it’s temporary. Once it’s over, I’ll have more time and money. Sure. And you don’t think family planning will throw a wrench into that?

Once I save enough for the house, I won’t need to stress as much. The down payment is one-time. And then what happens when you need a new roof, want to expand, or decide you want a beach house?

It’s everywhere.

(And I’m realizing I just went a little soap boxy there, so let’s be clear. I fall into this too. All the time. And when I catch myself, I’ve actually started laughing out loud because I know better.)

Social Media Magnifies

To make matters worse, social media pours gasoline on this belief.

Online, it looks like people have solved the problem of being human. You don’t see their fights, doubts, boredom, or stress. You see the highlights.

So you end up comparing your real life to someone else’s edited outcome and wondering why you can’t get it together.

Here’s the truth.

A good life has problems. Always has. Always will.

The goal is not to eliminate problems. The goal is to have better ones.

Which leads to the real question.

The Real Question

If we’re always going to have problems, how do we know when a problem is something to push through versus something that requires real change?

The framework I’ve found most helpful is acute versus chronic problems.

Acute problems are expected. Bad weeks. Disagreements. Injuries. Schedules blowing up. They can feel intense in the moment, but they’re short lived. They don’t violate your core values or overall direction. In many cases, they lead to growth.

These are the problems where the answer is patience, recovery, adjustment, and recommitment.

Chronic problems are different.

They aren’t dramatic spikes. They’re a constant background noise. A low-level anxiety or dissatisfaction that’s been there for months. You’ve tried to make changes and nothing shifts. You find yourself compromising your values just to tolerate the situation. Sometimes you can’t even clearly point to the source.

These problems don’t serve you. They erode you.

This is where “everyone has problems” becomes bad advice.

Chronic problems usually require structural change. A different role. A different relationship. A different environment. A different pace of life.

So here’s the question I’ll leave you with.

Look at the problems in your life right now.

Which ones are acute and asking you to grow?

And which ones are chronic and slowly eating away at you?

A good life isn’t problem free. But there are better problems to have.

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If this resonated, you’re not alone. Let’s talk. Book a call.

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